I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing

When I was young I thought that “I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing” was used to refer to a person who was in coma. Well technically that is true, but as I grew older I realized that there is a deeper meaning to this which is way beyond a physical condition of health.

When your happy you don’t feel time passing by, you feel that your on top of the world and in simple you feel that life is perfect. This does not necessarily mean that you have no worries but you tend to forget about them and move on and live life to the fullest. Enjoy every aspect of it.

In most instances its one person who enters into your live that makes you feel that life is worth living. You feel that your complete, sort of like finding the last missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle. You start to see the picture clearly and wonder how you were able to live without that Him (or Her).

He will become the most prominent person in your life even without your knowledge. Before long you will start to forget how your life was without Him. Its as if you have known Him forever. Even when your not with Him you will wish that He was with you. The songs that you listen to will remind you of him. Basically everything around you, what you do, what you feel will be related to Him.

EVERYTHING IS PERFECT! You think that nothing could possibly go wrong!

Alas! Something always goes wrong..!

Something happens and disaster strikes. Things are not the same as it used to be. Thus end of your Perfect world. You exactly can’t pin point whats wrong, but sure that everything is not right. Sometimes even if you knew whats wrong, the damage is already done and there is no humanly possible way of fixing it.

All those wonderful memories, which you used to cherish now haunt you day and night. All those long conversations you had, which you used to re-read and smile, reminds you of the  wonderful time in the past. Listening to all the songs that reminds you of him and the bond you had will surely make your eyes tear.

Once again you have lost the last missing piece that made your life complete. You want to go back to the life you had, before He came along but you can’t remember how it was. Even if you finally remembered and moved back to that life, you will be more depressed because it would be a very dull life and constantly you will compare your life with him and without him.

Even though your heart broken inside, emotionally torn apart and shattered into millions of pieces, you still have to face the rest of the world, go to work, talk with people etc.

The way I realized  “I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing”, means that even though you have lost the sole purpose of living, you have to continue with life. Surely it will be difficult and at times impossible (you will prefer nothing better than to cuddle up on your bed and never leave it).

But you have to remember is that as everything else life goes on!

Of course with time the wounds will heal leaving the scars behind. Some wounds will take more time, while some will not heal at all, but you will learn to live with them. Once again you will be able to look back on life, go down the memory lane and be happy that He was part of your life and made you the person your today.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing











Last day as a 22 year old ..

Since waking up this morning the only thing in mind is that “Today is the last day I am gonna be twenty two”.. I simply can’t push that thought away from my mind.

Usually I am very lazy to wake in the morning, I would wake up but again cuddle my pillow and go back to sleep for a few minutes or so. However today (surprisingly) I was hyper active and was able reach office by 8.33 a.m (isn’t that great!) and thought of taking a moment from my busy schedule to reflect back on my life.

As always life is complicated, this is what makes life interesting and make us not want to hang ourselves. But in life you learn many things, understand how to live and to mingle with the society. Most the people in my inner circle have always complained that I am still not matured and that I still think like a kid. This actually had caused a great amount of depression in me during the past years, that I wanted to mature fast as could (ended up in disasters which i will refrain from referring to). Now I ask from them whats wrong in thinking like a kid? Whats wrong in not maturing? If been mature means that you gotta stop having fun doing things that make you happy, who the hell wants to be matured? I am not saying that you have to play the fool everywhere and act immature in your office, with your boss. Oh NO NO! Well I am happy to say when I was (I still am until mid-night), I realized what it means to be matured with the help of some awesome friends I had met about a year back.

Also I have always been a friendly person in nature and had many friends to hang out with since high school. If they were not around, it meant that they had found some others and would automatically be off our clique. It was more or less like “out of sight, out of mind”. Another slef finding over the years was that true friends will be with you no matter what. Even if you had not had contact with them for a very long time, if you need them and reach out to them, they will be there for you. The highest bliss that you can get from a friend is the moral support. When your feeling very low and needs someone, a true friend will pull you back up, secure you in your position. When this happened to me last year, I felt really blessed to to have them in my life and really brought tears to my eyes.

Also (so far) the happiest moment of my life was the day I graduated, once again when I was 22. All the sleepless nights, all the hard work, all that number crunching and memorizing finally paid off. Again I have to be thankful to a friend in my 3rd year, who sort of kept me in track and made me believe that we could do it when the going got tough and hectic. I wish I would have her as my study partner in the future as well.

Another important thing I realized was to what you love to make a living. So far I have worked in three employers, and each job was different to the other. Honestly I loved all those jobs. True there were times (and there are times) that I feel stressed and want to quit, but on a broader perspective I truly love those jobs and how it helped me build my image personally and professionally. I know that I still have a lot to learn, but I am happy and thankful for all what I had learned in my place of work. I simply love the work I do (of course I love holidays too). What happens when you do not love the work is that, you loose the passion for your job, you see work as the enemy, a villain to make your life miserable. That attitude alone will reduce your productivity, hence your boss will not be too pleased. 

Moving on to love life, well this is prefer to keep personal (for obvious reasons) but in summary I can say that I am the same person I was before. My interests, the way I look at situations, my views, my perceptions etc has changed drastically. I guess that is because after their twenties only a person moves into the society and finds out who s\he wants to be. Until then they sort of really don’t know who they really are.

Well I can really go on and on about my Self-Findings, but I guess I will stop now. In concluding I should say that when I was reaching 20, I was nearly in tears because  I loved been a teenager, but moving on from 20 to 21, once again I realized that life can be totally awesome even if you are not a teenager any more. Each year that passes by, you become YOU! A unique person. Establish your identity and personality. Make your mark. BE YOURSELF!

I love me when I am 22 and looking forward to being ME when I am 23..