Can we go back:
- to the time when my biggest worry was hiding my blushing face from your inquisitive eyes?
- to the moment we first looked at each others’ eyes?
- to that unexpected kiss?
- to early morning annoying wake up calls?
- to when the our burning issue was what to order for dinner?
- to the time when we were too drunk to care about what others thought of us?
- to the place where we thought it ended but actually it began?
- to the night we gazed at the sky searching for stars?
- to the place we first met?
- to the times I waited , because you said you will come and you did?
- to the roof-top when everything seemed perfect and beautiful like a fairy tale?
- to the evenings we used to walk around just so that we would have more time to spend with each other?
- to the time we danced in each others’ arms?
- to the days we lived in that moment?
But most of all!
Can we go back to when we agreed to part ways hoping that either one of us would call to the other but neither one did? After all these years the unspoken words still linger in my heart…. Would we have been able to alter the time if at least one of us had spoken up?
Can we go back and be one?
Can we go back to the time when we realized that unspoken words have more potential to kill a person emotionally than spoken words… ?
Was the all the pain and suffering worth it? The sleepless nights crying, hugging the pillow for warmth and wondering how it would have turned out. Would we have married? Would we have had kids? We would never know because we never gave us a chance. When the journey together got tough we decided it would be easier to travel alone, hence we shook hands and parted ways, each of us going in the opposite direction. That was the end of US.
Afterwards it was only me, myself and I.
By myself, I was able to go fast, but there was no one to share it with, no one to catch me or laugh at me when I fall, no one to argue with, no one to tease me and no one to love me for my good & bad alike. Even after reaching my desired destination I did not feel the satisfaction because I left the person who genuinely cared about me, my success and failure. I learned to moved on but held on to our memories.
They say “what does not kill you makes you stronger”, I think that it is more like, what does not kill you makes you numb to it after sometime, hence you don’t feel the pain unless something triggers it.
After all these years, I realized that there is no going back. No matter how much I wish I can never go back and change what happened. It was not fate, it was what we decide. We wrote our own fate. Many blames what happens on destiny. In my view destiny or fate brought us together but it was us who decided to throw it out of the back door. I am the author of my own destiny, only I can change it’s course. Destiny did not make us part ways, we did. It was not destiny that made me walk away with a crippling heart, it was my ego. I know that both of us were waiting for the other one to say how we love and need each other but instead we walked away as if it was a casual fling. I guess neither one of us realized that we would never get a second chance, that we could never go back!
Even after a decade, I still remember the day we met, how I felt when we were together, your face after the first kiss, how you looked into my eyes and the list goes on and on. I am sure that one day after I am gone even my grand kids would know about you because you have covered many pages in my journal.
I still wonder whether you remember the endless conversions we had? Do you remember when we became more than friends? Do you remember how you used to tease me? Do you remember the fights we had because of our possessiveness of each other?
We both would remember the days of struggle, the times we gave up on each other and decided to quit, that was the last time I saw you and the last time we met.
We can not go back, but maybe just maybe that was not the last time, maybe some day there would be a next time and just maybe can we go back?